Australia

[Samara]

These questions and answers were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Matthew Reget]

LOL, I laughed at the majority of these questions.
Did the officials make the questions or are they from real people?

[Samara]

LOL, I laughed at the majority of these questions.
Did the officials make the questions or are they from real people?

They are real questions and answers from a tourist website.

[Ferdinand Brixius]

We all know drop bears don't exist!

[Samara]

We all know drop bears don't exist!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED BY ONE?!

[Simon Bourne]

We all know drop bears don't exist!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED BY ONE?!

Ah, the violent and murderous cousin of the Koala bear...KILL IT WITH FIRE!

[Samara]

We all know drop bears don't exist!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED BY ONE?!

Ah, the violent and murderous cousin of the Koala bear...KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Acid works too. ;D

[Nico]

LOL. @whatyouguysreplied & @thetread.

[ArielV]

I went to australia once. Fuckin' dropbears tried to kill me.

So I killed them

and skinned them. now I have dropbear skeletons.

[Nico]

Y NO MERCY FOR DROP BEAR?! Wait..what's a drop bear ?

[Samara]

Y NO MERCY FOR DROP BEAR?! Wait..what's a drop bear ?

Its a Koala. XD

[Simon Bourne]

Y NO MERCY FOR DROP BEAR?! Wait..what's a drop bear ?

It's like, that short thing that appears in Jersey Shore, oh wait that's Snooki.

[Nico]

Y NO MERCY FOR DROP BEAR?! Wait..what's a drop bear ?

It's like, that short thing that appears in Jersey Shore, oh wait that's Snooki.

Its a koala. XD

Now I can go to sleep at peace...

[Ferdinand Brixius]

Y NO MERCY FOR DROP BEAR?! Wait..what's a drop bear ?

It's like, that short thing that appears in Jersey Shore, oh wait that's Snooki.

Hands down mate, that was a par.

[Sam Akabara]

AUSTRALIA FACT FILE


Independence:not yet - still English colony
Queen: Betty the Second, (Liz Windsor), aka: Bess, Betty, Betsy, Liz, "Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth".
President: Joaquim Gaspar
Official language: Strine, a.k.a. "Straylyan mate"
Currency:Beer
Religion: Football
Spiritual Leader: Peter Costello (in exile)
Exports: Actors, food, processed dirt
Imports: Invasive species
Mascot: Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat
National Crisis: Bogans

Australians are basically the redneck English. During the 18th century Australia was also known as beer-topia and hoonsville by the English, and was seen as the object of great merriment and ridicule, a place inhabited by colonialists and convicts. By the 20th century, the English have been forced to admit that perhaps "Horstrayllia" is the best place on the moon: "Harrumph! Damned insolence! AND they have the hide to beat us at cricket!". (And that, mates, is an example of the Attention Deficit Disorder through which English navigators ended up Down Under in the first place. A bit like Columbus looking for India, and look where that led.)

History:
The British took control after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland, That other country with the two Islands and Sweden. The first Queen of Australia, Captain James "Jimmy" Chook, built the first Aussie "barbie" (barbecue, not the doll - she came later after Ken moved in), on Mrs Macquarie's Chair on Point Bennelong. After the chair was extinguished, a great celebration called Australia Day was held, and a lot of beers were drunk. Then the flag of Sweden was raised in error, then taken down, then the North Korean flag was raised, then taken down, then the Polish flag was raised, it was found there was no British flag available, so a Union Jack was drawn on to the Polish flag and the country was declared to be the possession of General Kosciuszko, who nobody had heard of, and the highest mountain was named after him along with the big rock that many believe to be the resting place of Australia's first queen Elizabeth Vagina II.

Notable cities:
Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it". Its closest trading partner is Antarctica. Home to 72% of Australia's bogan population, and, ironically, a best expensive wine and cabaret in the world. Go figure.. The punchline of every other cities jokes...
Darwin: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem. So hot that in the wet the only people left are 500 police men to guard the 100 aboriginals...
Canberra: AKA: The Most BORING place on Earth. The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone's who lives there loses, as they they are comprised of Melbournes crappy weather and the Bogans that roam between there and Sydney. Also the fireworks and porn capital of the country, to make up for all the public servants.
Hobart: Where a yacht race ends once a year.
Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it? The only city Noel Coward fears.We may be the most isolated city the world...but we have an awesome fairest wheel...that we rented for a few years...and is no longer there
Brisbane:: "Ummm, hello? anyone here?"
Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jams, bogans, race riots, uncontrolled migration and air pollution. Residents support a sport which is a local variant of brutal gladiatorial combat known as "Thugby" which derives from the English town of Rugby, cause they couldn't be original to make up their own, so just followed a game that their bitch England invented. They call it the "national sport" despite having ).0002% crowds of GAYFL.. For information on Rubgy league, see "Watching farm machinery fight." Hate Melbourne siders as they are slowly stealing players from there rugby teams. The city's favourite sport is sodomy.
Melbourne: All the cool (or deep frozen) people live there. It poops on Sydney's face frequently out of jealousy pollution from the air. Sporting capital of the HOLY KANAGROO BEAR , culture capital, shouldn't be the Australian capital (including education) since no-one living there can reliably spell the word "capital" and they tend to have the most "narly surf" in australia. The city's favourite sport is "GAY-FL" and all its dwellers hate Sydney, simply because they are, as the aussies say "ugly as all buggary", and because Melbounrne can't peddle their strange variant of Gaelic Football called "Aerial Pingpong" to anyone other then other Australians. The Sydney Swans, a team which plays Aerial Pingpong, exists to provide some form of entertainment to ALL Sydneysiders. Also note has VERY crappy weather 9 months of the year...


Politics:
Australia is the only nation in the world to completely occupy an entire continent. This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus, one extra Special Power usage, and two extra armies each turn. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania, which are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range or as an alternative to abortion. Occasionally the government have erections *cough* hold elections *cough* *cough*.
However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their extra armies every turn and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have a sufficient force in reserve to suddenly envelop Asia and thereby enact world domination. Damned lamers. Despite having the best-trained, well-equipped army in the entire world consisting of all the cannons in the black army, half the cavalry, 15 solders and a shit rugby team, the Aussies generally choose to just own the Americans at war games and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.
For most of the 20th century, Australia was ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II, a tyrannical and insane monarch who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, America, India and Disneyland. The current government's international policy seems to be "No Worries, She'll be Right" and apparently consists of doing the American army's work for them, before heading off to the local pub while the Americans take the absence as an opportunity to claim credit for winning the war.

Things that will kill you

It is generally held that Australia is stuffed full of dangerous flora and fauna, many of them resident in the Federal Department of Immigration and released periodically when an election is in the offing. These include many snakes, things in the sea, Kevin Rudd supporters, Kevin Rudd (Mr Sheen), John Howards eyebrows etc. What the locals usually don't mention are the really worrisome creatures:

Source: The most awesome dictionary ever.

[Kenneth Sullivan]

Samara, thank ya' for zeh' knowledge, made my day.

[Sam Andersun]

Haaaa.

[Peter Greenson]

Everyone can have a perfect American accent, Americans cannot have any accent apart from their own. English accents vary too much to be called a sole accent, English can adapt to their American friends. Australian accents cannot be perfectly gained by a foreigner, Australians can choose to become English again or keep their lazy form of speaking. New Zealand is just strange, Don't go there.

[Ferdinand Brixius]

Everyone can have a perfect American accent, Americans cannot have any accent apart from their own. English accents vary too much to be called a sole accent, English can adapt to their American friends. Australian accents cannot be perfectly gained by a foreigner, Australians can choose to become English again or keep their lazy form of speaking. New Zealand is just strange, Don't go there.

LMFAO American "friends"..

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