My 2nd Short Story

[Jager Arach]

This is my second short story and hope you enjoy, please rate.

I sat on a wooden bench surrounded by bustling people carrying food, weapons, armor and an assortment of other objects. I was wearing a bronze helmet, completely round at the top that covered half of my face and left my eyes, mouth and nose vulnerable. I had nothing on but a chain mail shirt and a pair of peasant like pants cut just below the knees. The bench I was sitting on was in the underground of the coliseum, it had many hallways and columns, doors and ramps. The place was a maze that would confuse even some of the most brilliant minds. I could hear the roar of the crowd and chanting; indicating that one of the two contestants had fallen and was now awaiting judgment. “Kill, kill, kill”, they chanted at the top of their lungs. I heard a silence and then cheers. It was over and now my turn. I stood up grabbing my bronze gladius and began walking down a hallway towards a large wooden ramp. I could see two wooden doors with, with light shining through the crack in between them. I sighed as the doors opened and a man with only one leg and no head was dragged out of the arena by two slaves and the doors closed behind them. They dragged the man’s mutilated corpse past me leaving a trail of blood in the sand. I walked slowly towards the entrance and the doors opened again, the hallways were flooded with light and the cheers of the crowd waiting to see the next blood bath.
As I stepped out into the circular arena I noticed just how big the Roman coliseum really was. It was a gigantic full circle holding thousands upon thousands of citizens all waiting for blood shed. At the center of this mass was the Roman emperor and the senate. On the other side of the arena covered in blood was a large muscular man wearing the head of a bull over his face. I could just see the man’s eyes through the head and they screamed harm. He picked up a giant axe and charged me with it. I waited and quickly side stepped as he brought the axe down where I had been only seconds before. I got into fighting stance and began shifting from left to right. The man looked at me and charged with the axe again. He swung for my chest and I ducked feeling the cold steel brush up against my back. I spun around him and ended up at his back. I kicked him in the back and he stumbled forward almost losing his grip on his axe. Angrily he turned and swung the axe with as much as power as he could. I leaned back and watched as the axe missed again. As I came up he bashed my face with the butt of the axe. I stumbled back and a sudden rush of anger overcame me. Enraged I took my sword and smacked him in the side of the head with the flat part. As the man stumbled back, the crowd began chanting “Bellum”. The man looked confused that the crowd would give up chanting his name for his opponent’s. I took advantage of his shock and stepped forward stabbing the sword into his arm. I pulled my sword from his arm and slashed deep into his though, he fell onto his one knee dropping his axe. He screamed in pain and I held up the sword ready to strike as the crowd began to chant “death, death, death”. “Send him to Pluto”, one of the men in the crowd yelled. I held my sword above him ready to jab it into his skull. I hesitated for a few seconds and dropped the blade at his feet. I turned as the crowd booed me and walked steadily towards the gates that I had entered through. I waited till they opened again and passed through out of the light and back into the shadows.
On the other side a fat man in white silken robes stood adorned with expensive jewelry and had two Roman soldiers standing on either side of him. I rubbed my face and sighed. He slapped me. “You have dishonored me for the last time!” he yelled. He was panting heavily, “This time I will not save, but simply turn you in.” He paused for a moment, “hope you live life till the fullest, because tomorrow is your execution.” I stared at him in silence until he walked off. Finally after five minutes or so a couple of guards came to take me back to my cell. They were pretty ruff; I guess they must have lost money on me or something, who knows. They guided me through many long dimly lit corridors into what looked like a smaller arena. They took me and threw me in a room and there I took off my helmet and waited. I tried skipping out on dinner in the gathering hall, but the guards forced me to go and eat. I sat alone in silence at my own table listening to the continuous banter of the other fighters; no doubt my name was on the lips of every man in Rome by now. That night I got very little sleep, not being able to get my inevitable death out of my head.
I heard someone knocking on my door and three soldiers bust inside, beat me up and carried me outside. They dropped me in the dirt in front of the fat man. “Avaritia”, I said with too much calm in my voice for a man dancing on the edge of a cliff. I tried getting up, but the fat man stepped on my back. “You embarrassed me and dishonored me in front of not only the senate, but the emperor himself!” he said. “You do this all on your own fat man”, and I laughed. He growled with anger and raised a dagger clenched tight in his fist, when two men grabbed Avaritia from behind and pulled him off me. I looked up to see a man in white robes wearing a metal crown of leaves around dark curly hair and dark green eyes staring down at me from a horse. “This is no way for a former military man to be executed he said... No matter how dire his crimes.” he gave me a sad look. ”He will fight in the arena tomorrow and die in an honorable fashion and until then Avaritia you are not to touch him.” He gave me one last look and then pointed to his guards “You there stay here and guard this man until he has a chance to die with honor” at that he pulled on the reigns of his horse and rode off. I looked up and was gingerly pulled to my feet by the guards while Avaritia scowled at me. I simply smirked as I was lead back to my barracks. The guards left me in my room by myself. I got as much shut eye as I could. Tomorrow would be the day everything changed, the day that I leave this life for good.
I was awoken in the early morning and brought to the Coliseum. Down in the barracks I got dressed into my chainmail shirt and put on my helmet. I grabbed my gladius and watched the dozen or so men who were with me, they were all shaking more than usual, a couple had even wet the ground at their feet. I walked over to the front of the small crowd and looked at them. “I know we have all talked about this day, but do not think of today as a day of death. Think of it as a day of new life and re-birth and be willing to fight for that. We are no longer slaves, we are soldiers.” They all stared in silence. “Remember that while you are out there.” With that I turned and walked out onto the waiting area and the men stayed silent behind me, contemplating my words filled with promise and danger. I stood staring at the doors waiting for them to open and the other men came out of the barracks and stood tall behind me, I was ready. Finally our time came and we walked out through the wooden doors. As soon as we walked outside we were met with boos and pelted with various pieces of dirt, rotten foods and other un-appeasing items. The emperor stood and called for silence. “I would ask my subjects that you not look down on these men for their crimes at this moment, no leave that for later. Instead look up to them for the journey they are about to take in order to repent for those crimes.” He began to clap as he finished his sentence. As he clapped he looked at me and I knew that speech was meant for me more than it was for the crowd. I looked down and unsheathed my sword. “Let the battle commence”, he yelled. The floor began to open up and about a dozen centurions came up with javelins. I looked to one man and nodded. He whistled and backed up behind the wooden doors along with the rest of the men. The crowd and the soldiers looked confused. The floors opened up and four lions came up through the floor, charging the centurions. They tried to stay in formation, but were quickly ripped to shreds. Inside was utter chaos.
Men were running around in armor, covered in blood with an assortment of weapons. Soldiers and guards lay on the floor dead. I stepped over the fat man who ironically had a stab wound in his stomach. I spun the sword in my hand as we made our way through the corridors. As we ran a small group of soldiers rounded the corner. They charged us with their shields up and their javelins rose high. We turned and ran. A javelin caught one of our men through the chest and pinned him to a wall. We turned around as men in peasant outfits jumped from openings in the ceiling and landed on the centurions. They began wildly stabbing any exposed bit of flesh they could find, like savage animals on a kill. We charged as they were cut down. I raised my sword and slashed a man in the throat with my gladius as he raised his sword to slice me. I turned as man came down with his sword on a man’s head and got it stuck in the top of his skull. I charged and lopped his hands off. He fell over screaming, pouring blood from the nubs that were once his wrists. I stabbed my sword into his chest and turned to see reinforcements coming. “Run”, I yelled and everyone made a break for the exit. As we ran the doors began to close. The soldiers were gaining control of the situation faster than I had expected. It had taken months to plan this, but yet we still had a very slim chance of survival. As we were about to break through, a man was caught in the foot. I turned and saw more centurions coming. I went over to the man pinned to the floor and yanked the javelin from his foot. He screamed in pain, as I helped him up and we limped towards the door as it closed. The doors shut before we could get to them we never had a chance. I sat the man against the wall and turned to the oncoming soldiers. They reached me and a stabbed a sword through my lower chest, I tore it out as another swung his sword at my head. I ducked and cut him in the leg. He fell over screaming as blood spilled over the sand. I wheezed hard and coughed up blood as I felt the hilt of a sword hit my head and I stumbled forward. Dazed and confused, I came back swinging and felt a blade pass into my back and out my stomach. I stopped and coughed as the air was taken from my lungs and blood began to flow freely from my stomach. I turned to the man who stabbed me and advanced coughing up blood. He kicked me to the ground and I lay there in pain, dropping my sword. He rammed the blade into my chest and I gasped. They turned as the doors re-opened and ran off after the others leaving me alone with the wounded man. I felt blood flow out of me and rapidly. I coughed up more blood as I felt the life go out of me. I grabbed a small wooden crucifix tucked into my shirt and kissed it, remembering my so called crimes. I dropped the necklace into the sand and let out a gasp as the last bit of life passed out of my body.

[Jericho Phelps]

Constructive Critizism:

Rough, not Ruff :>
also "as" was too much used in some parts, try to be less repetitive. Also dont use [center]
Divide chapters with empty lines.

Storyline was great tough. 7/10

[Simon Bourne]

*Troll doesn't reads it, rates it TERRIBLE*

JK, nice story, but you need to improve the points and the use of "as" like some person said.

[Jager Arach]

more feedback pls someone really trying to improve my writing!

[Jamie Steel]

It's not a bad story, but it's incredibly awful in terms of historical accuracy xD

[Ryan Damario]

Btw, Ignore the people who voted "Terrible" Because it's really not terrible and they're just trolling. -.- I voted "Good" anyways, but it will be perfect if you continue writing stories.

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